Why did the universe kick my ass?
It matters and it matters not.
The mind, in its constant seeking motions, naturally wants to know why. Let the mind move, look, see, be curious. But also consent to what is.
These are some reflections. None is the answer. The mystery — and the response to the mystery — are all that is.
Why did the universe kick my ass?
Because I needed to slow down.
Because I need to grieve.
Because I need shabbos. I need the shabbos that visits me every two seconds after I exhale. I need the shabbos of the seventh day.
Because I need to unchoose grasping again and again — even after my heart’s desires. I may or may not need to let go of my heart’s desires, but the more I let go of grasping, the more I will live. I desire to be the drowning person who by letting go into the dark deep finds herself floating in the ebb and flow of the great ocean of love.
So I can go deeper and learn more about the respiratory pattern that echoes every day between duty, obligation and responsibility and true presence, self-expression and the mystery.
Because the unmetabolized grief of the last 5,00o years of traumatic human flight away from the unbearable loss of forgotten, ancient, beautiful and small, natural cultures of all our ancestors, cultures that embraced the indigenous vitality of all things in such a way as to keep life alive rather than trample the beautiful ground of the earth and our bodies is so incredibly overwhelming.
Because I need to make offerings. Yes, I was willing to be the offering, but now it would be good to make some beads.
So I could really learn what my teacher Martín Prechtel has been saying all these years.
So I could learn to listen and feel, love and heal my body at a deeper place than I ever could before.
So I can bless everything.
Because life is asking me to get really good at cracking open my heart, to get really good at growing my attention, and to get really good at exhaling completely again and again and again into the Island of Now the Ocean of All Time.
Aahhh.
(Fifth in a series on healing pneumonia and asthma.)
6 responses so far ↓
1 abby // Nov 3, 2009 at 5:51 am
opening the heart, returning to the Ocean of Now, such dance partners. Living with MS daily, has taught me to breathe in the mystery, rather than take it personally. So much suffering on this planet, and so much going on in every realm. The body weeps, staggers, and opens. I send you blessings from one who loves you, very much. Thank you for going the depth.
2 Doris // Nov 3, 2009 at 6:42 pm
this is so beautiful, Rachie, so grief-soaked, I can barely see the screen through my tears. So blessed you are to be receiving this deep wisdom now. the hard way. the only way. Let the beauty maker live…
I love you.
3 Rachael // Nov 3, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Thank you, Abby, for your stunningly beautiful, large yet intimate presence in the world, in the temple of the body and in the mysterious shimmering white and gray being like a great silver winged sea horse we call the nervous system.
4 Rachael // Nov 3, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Thank you, Doris, for being my companion on the road of tears, on the road of hilarity, on the earth road, on the road of longing, on the road of friendship, on the road of Bolad’s Kitchen for these 34 plus times our father and his honey bees have made a complete double volute spiral around the Earth.
5 Jonathan // Nov 3, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Beautiful Rachael, WOW, you nailed it in this one and reminds me why we called you the goddess back then in Obie land when we were young and experienced this loss that you speak of through dance song and silence; wow, I cry daily losing my Mother Gaia daily, my daughters growing up — tears of joy too, as we take /make Shabbos or the Holy Mother Earth Shechinah will take it back and destroy us.
Transcending the self in reciprocal love of the Mother and Father Divine …your friend Reb YO
6 Rachael // Nov 7, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Ho, Rabbi Yo!
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